No matter what we do, we’re faced with making choices for ourselves or for others.
In the past year of my life, I have had good times and bad (duh). I lived in Spain, then the US for this summer, then I decided I’m going back to Spain. YAY.
You could be thinking this post is going to detail how I need to learn to be more adaptable, to not put so much pressure on myself for transitions to go perfectly, or to accept life as it comes at me. Nope. I want to talk about how no matter what I do, I need to keep myself at the center of my decisions.
How could I not be keeping myself at the center of my life when I quit my job and moved across the world for 8 months? One wonders. But, I’ve still been finding a way, and the universe will not let me rest peacefully.
I have always loved to make those around me proud, whether that be through kindness or academic achievement or pushing myself in sports. This is a great method for feeling accepted and for accepting yourself. It does become a bit of an issue when people don’t feel as proud as you want them to feel, or when you don’t perform the way you should, or you don’t make the decisions that others feel are the best for you. THEN you might start to feel things like you’re never doing enough, you can never be good enough, you need to get a masters degree right away, etc. Let me say something honestly: I feel those things.
Through therapy and general suffering, I have learned that my feelings of never doing enough are not going to go away until I love and accept myself as I am. But, while we’re talking about it, if I just get something done that I feel proud of, then won’t the thoughts go away anyway? No, they won’t.
When I was making my decision to go back to Spain for a second year, I pandered around my true thoughts. I told people I wasn’t sure, or it depended on the money I made. I felt hesitant to say that it didn’t make sense to me to live in the US for another year when I really don’t have a ton of development in front of me right now. I couldn’t say that I couldn’t fathom watching my friends travel the world while I restocked hot fresh rolls at Texas Roadhouse. All of this because I cared so much about the opinions of others.
I worried that my parents would think I was directionless, that people would think I’m no longer aspirational because I’m not going back to school or getting a fulltime job. I worried that my friends would think I’ve never been as smart or hardworking as I pretend to be, because I really just want to go eat grapes on the beach in Spain. I worried that my siblings wouldn’t have a role model who is motivated and overcomes barriers that are set in front of them.
And I still chose to go, because I value, above everything, living a life that is authentic to myself. I know that this is the choice I’m making and that, good or bad, it’s for myself. It would be much easier to tell my parents I got accepted into a graduate program, or I’m pursuing a job at a top 500 business in the US. That I have a boyfriend who I’m steady with, that we’re maxing out our 401k investments this year, that our new dog is on the way and we’re nervous but excited for this next step.
But my life isn’t that way, and that’s because I chose that for myself. And ultimately, we all choose every day how we want our lives to be. My choices are mine and therefore do not require the permission of anyone else—they are valuable and purposeful because I decide they are. More to come on this topic for sure, but ultimately, my choices are mine, and that’s enough.